Sometimes the basement floods or the nanny gets deported and suddenly Mommy has to work from home. This coincides with the worst possible day ever to not be at the office. You’re happily playing on the floor so she orchestrates a conference call.
MOMMY: Thanks everyone for dialing in. As you can see on page four—
YOU: DUCKA DUCKA DUCKAAAAAAAAAA!
CLIENT: Is there a fire alarm at your end?
JUNIOR ACCOUNT GUY: I think I hear a cat dying.
Mommy quickly turns on Sesame Street’s YouTube channel, even though it might give you epilepsy, and goes off the cuff because she can’t see her Excel file.
MOMMY: —as you’ll see on page six—
CLIENT: What happened to page four?
Sippy cup spills organic goat milk all over laptop. Sad Mac face appears.
MACBOOK AIR: BLEEEEEERRRRRRR!
YOU: BLEEEEEERRRRRRR!
JUNIOR ACCOUNT GUY: Seriously is that cat okay?
Mommy tries to hit mute but instead hangs up on the call. Now she can’t find the passcode. When she finally dials back in, she has no idea what anyone is talking about. It’s probably about her.
CLIENT: …clear out the dead weight, we’ll be in a great place. What do you think on your end?
MOMMY: Well… (fuuuuck!)… let’s circle back EOD with some below the line ideas to maximize share of dollar (that sounds like Mommy has this under control, right?).
Total silence.
YOU: PPPFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTWRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPFFFTTTTTTTT!
Mercifully, someone has a hard stop so the call ends. Your diaper has leaked all over the sofa. Mommy lies down on it anyway. You pick up her company-owned Blackberry and toss it in the toilet, which is a good metaphor for where Mommy’s career is headed.
DRINK: Career Suicide. 1 oz Jack Daniels. 1 oz Tequila. Top with 7up, OJ and a splash of grenadine. Enjoy while updating your Linked In profile.
