Mommy has witnessed thousands of film and TV births in her lifetime, but they’ve achieved new comic status now that she’s got the inside scoop on how labour really goes down. Mommy finds it ironic that in Hollywood no pregnant character ever gets an epidural, while the actress playing the role of “brave mommy-to-be writhing in pain in the delivery room” pops eight percocet pills every time she breaks an acrylic nail. The Hollywood newborn, plucked from an Anne Geddes calendar, is always born approximately eight minutes after the mother’s water breaks, looking six months old, with nary a conehead or snaggletooth in sight. The scene where the sobbing and sleep-deprived new mom attempts to latch her screaming baby to her throbbing boobs while perched on a bag of frozen peas always ends up on the cutting room floor, and her husband never seems to forget to install the car seat before leaving for the hospital…
DRINK: The Box Office Smash. Sneak a flask into the theatre and spike your 32-oz Coke just before the scene where the protagonist slips back into her size 0 wardrobe the day after she gives birth.
