Everybody is having a pleasant time at The Home Depot until we have to do something like not buy you a table saw and then it’s HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A TWO YEAR OLD SCORNED. WATCH DEAR MOMMY AS I SCREAM BLOODY MURDER AND DEMAND SATISFACTION. OH THIS PUBLIC SHAMING ISN’T WORKING AND YOU STILL WON’T LET ME PLAY WITH A DEATH TRAP? WATCH AS I HURL MYSELF ON THE GROUND AND MY FACE GOES RED AND TEARS STREAM DOWN AND SNOT FLIES EVERYWHERE AND STRANGERS JUDGE YOUR PARENTING OUT LOUD. YOU CAN TRY TO GENTLY COAX ME OUT OF THIS BLIND RAGE BUT EVENTUALLY I WILL BARF ON YOU. EVEN THOUGH YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NEVER DO THIS YOU BRIBE ME WITH CANDY WHICH LEADS TO MORE JUDGEMENT FROM THE CASHIER AND AN EPIC SUGAR CRASH WHEN WE GET HOME. BA HA HA HA HA HA! Mommy has been coping with the stress of The Terrible Twos by doing calming yoga and journaling nightly. Just kidding, she’s having a drink.
DRINK: The Ginger Peachy. One shot of peach schnapps for your nerves served on ice with gingerale to settle your stomach. Have two and it won’t be so terrible.
The wonderful thing about spending $22 on a pair of baby chinos is that you outgrow them before we even leave the mall. At first Mommy was proud of your growth chart results as the pediatrician revealed your percentile for height and weight. Now the only thing growing faster than you is the mountain of outgrown onesies causing a fire hazard in the basement. She can’t give them away in case she has a second, even though “One and Done” is the Dr. Seuss book Mommy is considering ghost-writing. In an effort to cull back on trips to Babies R Us, Mommy has been cramming you in to clothes that no longer fit, just like Christina Aguilera. At this rate you’ll soon be wearing Daddy’s clothes. Mommy hopes late-century modern becomes a fashion trend ASAP because Daddy’s closet is the wardrobe that time forgot and includes every striped button down sold at The Gap in the 90s. Your growth spurts are giving you major mood swings and you no longer sleep through the night, but Mommy is happy you’re growing and healthy – plus you look rad in that oversized argyle skull sweater. For the next five minutes.
DRINK: A tall drink of water.