Mommy used to love wandering in and out of the boutiques lining her favourite shopping strip on the west side of town. There she’d buy pretty little breakable things like a pair of owl-shaped votive candle holders, or wardrobe essentials like her 93rd black dress. Now Mommy loathes shopping. But you’ve run out of diapers or the fridge is empty or yet another thing in the house is leaking/broken/old/ugly, so she and Daddy have no choice but to load you in the car and make it to and fro the closest box store between your morning and afternoon naps. Gone are the days of carefully reviewing ingredient lists and doing price/oz. comparisons on the six offerings of salsa in the Mexican food aisle. It’s a race against the clock a la Supermarket Sweep to load the shopping cart with wares before you have a meltdown. Mommy is shocked and appalled that she’s about to buy a $19 dress that’s displayed next to a pyramid of Charmin, but the three outfits she’s had on rotation since returning to work two months ago are practically threadbare. What she really needs is an afternoon devoted to updating her outdated and ill-fitting wardrobe in time for summer, but given she can barely find time to shampoo her hair daily, it’s a safe bet there will be snow on the ground before she makes it to a mall. And Mommy can forget about hitting the changerooms to testdrive this frock because if you fall asleep in the car seat before she and Daddy make it home, they’ll be forced to drive up and down the highway for two hours while the ice cream they just bought melts all over the trunk.
DRINK: Amazon Lemonade. Fill tall glass with ice, add 1 oz. vodka and top up with fresh lemonade. Garnish with a lemon wedge. It’s time to embrace online shopping!
Mommy has never spent more time at the mall then she has while on maternity leave. The irony of this is that Mommy has never been more broke and she can’t afford to buy anything. However, she can’t resist falling into Baby GAP. Her maternity benefits barely cover a Raspberry Rush from Jugo Juice, but it will cover this argyle sweater vest with skull and cross bones embroidery. A bear riding a motorcycle? On a onesie? Clearly you need to own this. Oooh little shoes! Mommy will take several pairs because you can’t walk yet so that makes perfect sense. Mommy’s closet looks like the “before” segment on What Not To Wear but your wardrobe could grace the pages of Bébé Vogue. Perhaps Mommy should feel bad that children not much older than you made these clothes but when the price tag reads $19.99 and there’s an additional 30% thanks to the online coupon, ring it up!
DRINK: The Memory GAP. Drink more than one of these and that’s what you’ll have. ½ oz cherry brandy, ½ oz light rum, ½ oz dark rum, 3 oz grapefruit juice, 1 oz orange juice, splash of grenadine. Serve over crushed ice.
It’s not just the coke-thin Hollywood moms that give Mommy a complex. The Celebri-tots look just as glam being carried by their nannies and dressed head to toe in Burberry Baby. Mommy shops off-the-sales-rack at H&M kids in a futile attempt to Keep Up with the Kardashi-babies. At least she can take comfort knowing that those silver Tiffany spoon-fed babies have the worst names ever (“Son, we named you after a paint colour.”) and their careers will peak on the reality show My Mom was a Celebrity and now I’m In Rehab premiering summer 2032. Besides Mommy is on trend, since having a baby is “the hottest accessory of the season” according to In Style. It’s just that sometimes she quietly wishes she also had a size zero figure and a Birkin bag to tote your diapers in.
DRINK: Mommy’s Lemonade Stand. 3 oz fresh lemon juice, 2 oz rye, 2 oz simple syrup. Combine ingredients and serve over ice. Garnish with lemon zest.
Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman. Beyoncé. It seems like all of Hollywood can pop out a baby and look effortlessly malnourished the next day. Mariah Carey shit out twins and eight minutes later was the nude spokesmodel for Weight Watchers. Mommy wishes she wasn’t still living in her Heidi Klum maternity jeggings but unfortunately she doesn’t have a personal trainer or a weight-loss inducing habit like heroin. According to Mommy’s #1 news source, People.com, movie star matriarchs insist “The secret to losing the pregnancy weight was carrying around my baby all day!” Mommy knows this is celebrity-speak for bulimia, because no A-lister carries her own child. Though Mommy admits she loves how her new Double Ds look like they were done by Dr. 90210, she sometimes longs to look glamorously on the brink of death like Too Posh To Push Spice.
DRINK: Red Carpet Fizz. 3 oz pink Moet, 1/2 oz Grand Marnier,
1/2 oz lime juice,
2 oz orange juice. Enjoy every caloric sip, unlike actual celebrities, who subsist only on air and the perpetual need for validation.
The time has come for Mommy’s mandatory “bring the baby to the office” trip. Mommy carefully scheduled the visit during one of your feeding windows, as her lack of skill with the Hooter Hider would inevitably lead to a traumatic nipple-flashing episode. Mommy’s inbox has been overflowing with emails about how excited everyone is to meet you, although she knows they’re actually just dying to see how much of her baby weight she’s lost. None of her business casual wear fits, so Mommy had to truck it to Banana Republic yesterday to buy a half-price polyester frock she’ll never wear again, and take her hair straightener and MAC Studio Fix out of hiding. Mommy will put on her best “really interested” face as she’s updated on the latest office politics and business results, while secretly dreaming about “The Bachelor” episode waiting on her PVR. As you’re passed around from one colleague to the next, she’ll also try to block out what she recently read about keyboards being five times germier than toilet seats. Mommy really hopes you don’t cry, unless it’s when she’s caught in conversation with that guy from accounting who can’t read social cues.
DRINK: The 7-Day Weekend. ½ oz pineapple rum, ½ oz light rum, 6 oz 7 Up. Enjoy over ice in a chilled cocktail glass the next time you feel like celebrating the fact that you can wear pajamas 24/7.
Sure, there are a lot of things Mommy doesn’t miss about being pregnant. Like heartburn, cankles, and three months spent hugging the toilet bowl. But pregnancy definitely had its rewards. Aside from the 40 pounds of extra weight around her mid section, Mommy-to-be was a spitting image of a Victoria Secret model thanks to her no-leak double D rack, luscious locks and hormone-charged glow. And armed with her “baby brain” pass, she never had to sweat forgetting a best friend’s birthday or saying something stupid in a really important meeting. But, now that you’re born, Mommy no longer walks on water and she’s finding it hard to cope as yesterday’s news. She’s wondering why all the nice strangers who used to run to her expectant side to open doors for her are always MIA when she’s struggling to jam your SUV-sized stroller through the tiny non-automated Starbucks doorway without spilling half her extra hot latte on your lap. And the world could now care less whether you’re a boy or a girl, they just want to know what Mommy’s done to make you scream so loudly. Recently, Mommy’s even caught herself longing for the unsolicited belly strokes that used to make her throw up in her mouth a little. Now she has only your dirty diapers to thank for that.
DRINK: Break out your maternity jeggings and a basketball and enjoy a Cranberry and Soda, for old time’s sake.