One day in biology class you’ll learn that animals are attracted to other animals who display good symmetry (which the brain apparently equates with good genes and the production of healthy offspring.) What’s not taught in school is how the story ends: male courts female, they reproduce, and the female is robbed of the very thing that attracted her mate in the first place. Exhibit A: Mommy’s rack. The wonders of uneven milk supply mean Mommy’s right breast is a glorious double D, while her lowly left could play peek-a-boo(b) under a Hershey’s kiss wrapper. Exhibit B: Mommy’s arms. From holding you exclusively on one side for the better part of a year, Mommy’s left bicep could grace the cover of “MuscleMag”, while her right would lose to an Olsen twin in an arm wrestle. And Mommy obviously missed the part in What to Expect where it explained that your organs shift during pregnancy and then “more or less” go back to their original pre-pregnancy positions, although she did take note of Mother Nature’s generous baby shower gift of both stretch marks and spider veins. Good thing Daddy is attracted to Mommy for more than her looks. Like the sunny disposition that greets him when he comes home from work 15 minutes late. Oh wait.
DRINK: Live vicariously through your drink with a “Sexy Devil”. 1 oz vodka. 1/2 oz cranberry-flavoured vodka. 1/2 oz dry vermouth. Shake with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a fresh strawberry and a lemon peel. Note: best consumed while avoiding mirrors.
It’s not just the coke-thin Hollywood moms that give Mommy a complex. The Celebri-tots look just as glam being carried by their nannies and dressed head to toe in Burberry Baby. Mommy shops off-the-sales-rack at H&M kids in a futile attempt to Keep Up with the Kardashi-babies. At least she can take comfort knowing that those silver Tiffany spoon-fed babies have the worst names ever (“Son, we named you after a paint colour.”) and their careers will peak on the reality show My Mom was a Celebrity and now I’m In Rehab premiering summer 2032. Besides Mommy is on trend, since having a baby is “the hottest accessory of the season” according to In Style. It’s just that sometimes she quietly wishes she also had a size zero figure and a Birkin bag to tote your diapers in.
DRINK: Mommy’s Lemonade Stand. 3 oz fresh lemon juice, 2 oz rye, 2 oz simple syrup. Combine ingredients and serve over ice. Garnish with lemon zest.
Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman. Beyoncé. It seems like all of Hollywood can pop out a baby and look effortlessly malnourished the next day. Mariah Carey shit out twins and eight minutes later was the nude spokesmodel for Weight Watchers. Mommy wishes she wasn’t still living in her Heidi Klum maternity jeggings but unfortunately she doesn’t have a personal trainer or a weight-loss inducing habit like heroin. According to Mommy’s #1 news source, People.com, movie star matriarchs insist “The secret to losing the pregnancy weight was carrying around my baby all day!” Mommy knows this is celebrity-speak for bulimia, because no A-lister carries her own child. Though Mommy admits she loves how her new Double Ds look like they were done by Dr. 90210, she sometimes longs to look glamorously on the brink of death like Too Posh To Push Spice.
DRINK: Red Carpet Fizz. 3 oz pink Moet, 1/2 oz Grand Marnier,
1/2 oz lime juice,
2 oz orange juice. Enjoy every caloric sip, unlike actual celebrities, who subsist only on air and the perpetual need for validation.
Sure, there are a lot of things Mommy doesn’t miss about being pregnant. Like heartburn, cankles, and three months spent hugging the toilet bowl. But pregnancy definitely had its rewards. Aside from the 40 pounds of extra weight around her mid section, Mommy-to-be was a spitting image of a Victoria Secret model thanks to her no-leak double D rack, luscious locks and hormone-charged glow. And armed with her “baby brain” pass, she never had to sweat forgetting a best friend’s birthday or saying something stupid in a really important meeting. But, now that you’re born, Mommy no longer walks on water and she’s finding it hard to cope as yesterday’s news. She’s wondering why all the nice strangers who used to run to her expectant side to open doors for her are always MIA when she’s struggling to jam your SUV-sized stroller through the tiny non-automated Starbucks doorway without spilling half her extra hot latte on your lap. And the world could now care less whether you’re a boy or a girl, they just want to know what Mommy’s done to make you scream so loudly. Recently, Mommy’s even caught herself longing for the unsolicited belly strokes that used to make her throw up in her mouth a little. Now she has only your dirty diapers to thank for that.
DRINK: Break out your maternity jeggings and a basketball and enjoy a Cranberry and Soda, for old time’s sake.