One day in biology class you’ll learn that animals are attracted to other animals who display good symmetry (which the brain apparently equates with good genes and the production of healthy offspring.) What’s not taught in school is how the story ends: male courts female, they reproduce, and the female is robbed of the very thing that attracted her mate in the first place. Exhibit A: Mommy’s rack. The wonders of uneven milk supply mean Mommy’s right breast is a glorious double D, while her lowly left could play peek-a-boo(b) under a Hershey’s kiss wrapper. Exhibit B: Mommy’s arms. From holding you exclusively on one side for the better part of a year, Mommy’s left bicep could grace the cover of “MuscleMag”, while her right would lose to an Olsen twin in an arm wrestle. And Mommy obviously missed the part in What to Expect where it explained that your organs shift during pregnancy and then “more or less” go back to their original pre-pregnancy positions, although she did take note of Mother Nature’s generous baby shower gift of both stretch marks and spider veins. Good thing Daddy is attracted to Mommy for more than her looks. Like the sunny disposition that greets him when he comes home from work 15 minutes late. Oh wait.
DRINK: Live vicariously through your drink with a “Sexy Devil”. 1 oz vodka. 1/2 oz cranberry-flavoured vodka. 1/2 oz dry vermouth. Shake with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a fresh strawberry and a lemon peel. Note: best consumed while avoiding mirrors.