Mommy used to kill it when it came to cardio – she could spin for an hour and still look adorable enough to flirt with Braedon the 26 year old trainer slash man candy. The gym was a social place and Mommy was on the A list – that “A” stood for Ass and hers was tight. Now Mommy does Baby-friendly yoga. This is not a workout, but an excuse to drop $20 to do one Downward Dog and spend the other 43 minutes in a Circle Bitch about sleep training. Mommy is still hyper-competitive, only now it’s over whose baby is doing what first. Mommy has actually pushed you to do things you’re not ready for, like propping you up to sitting then feigning surprise when you promptly toppled over and bashed your head on a yoga block. The 4 calories burned trying to keep the snot-covered communal toys out of your mouth during class is quickly erased by the post-namaste trip to the Fair Trade coffee shop where a carob-chip spelt cookie packs a whopping 17 grams of fat. Mommy may now live in her Lulus, but she has a feeling the rear view isn’t the same.
DRINK: The Skinny Bitch. Remember when you used to be one? 5oz Diet Coke, 1 oz vodka and a squeeze of fresh lime. Only 56 calories.