If you can sleep in, spend $43 on a lemon sage ravioli, fly last minute to Croatia, get your eyebrows waxed, have nothing in your fridge but Stella Artois and mustard, take yoga-muay thai fusion Wednesdays at 6pm, say things like “this season of Dexter was staid and uninspired and couldn’t live up to neoclassical themes woven into the existential tapestry of Game of Thrones” or own nice things then you are single. Single people complain about being single all the time. Mommy nods politely as they whine about mediocre service, eHarmony or the end of a Tribeca Film Festival selection, but all the while Mommy is fantasizing of wearing their skin to become them, just like in Silence of the Lambs. Single people don’t pee when they sneeze. They really don’t know how good they have it. This of course does not apply to single parents, who are heroes and should be given keys to the city’s wine cellar immediately.
DRINK: The Cosmompolitan. The traditional Cosmo may be the single girl’s go to, but this delicious tipple is just for Mommy. Shot of Absolute Mandarin vodka, shot of Absolute Cherry vodka, half shot of Cointreau, splash of lime juice, splash of pomegranate juice. Shake over ice, strain and serve.
Mommy can’t believe she’s going to pay a teenager $40 to sit in her living room for three hours (texting her boyfriend and eating Mommy’s cappuccino frozen yogurt directly from the tub) while you lie sleeping in your crib upstairs the entire time. But Mommy and Daddy figured that to avoid becoming a statistic, they should spend the occasional Saturday night doing something other than eating take-out thai food in front of Grey’s Anatomy, only to doze off before the latest iteration of “Doctor rips off nurse’s clothes in the medical supply room.” Dressed in her standby LBD and rocking her volumizing mascara, Mommy’s actually feeling pretty hot, until the sitter with Angelina legs sprouting from a skirt the size of a Bella Band greets her at the front door with a “Hi Mrs….” At least Mommy gets to enjoy a fancy dinner at the trendy new Italian eatery on the west west side of town that the single crew keeps checking into on Facebook. Until she does the mental math on the evening’s expenses and realizes that this ravioli dish (that she could “totally make at home” slash buy in the frozen food aisle) is costing her $18 per mouthful. Making conversation is challenging when Mommy and Daddy are both sleep deprived and checking their phones every two minutes to make sure you haven’t catapulted out of your crib or started a fire. And downing a bottle of red wine isn’t an option when someone has to drive the babysitter home at the end of the night to avoid blowing another $20 on cab fare. At these rates, Mommy and Daddy are going to have to crack some serious social whip. No more Jennifer Aniston movies or double dates with B-list couples until your 13th birthday.
DRINK: A $12 merlot and a pizza delivery menu. Sometimes it pays to be boring.