Mommy longs for the days when birthday parties involved bypassing the line at Devil’s Martini, dancing on speakers, doing Polar Bear shooters, and puking in a cab on the way home. Now, as adult birthdays fade into oblivion, only to emerge once a decade tainted with flamingos, “over-the-hill” cards and awkward-for-everyone mooning incidents, birthday parties have come to be about sacrificing your afternoon nap every other Saturday to witness the ultimate battle for gold in the Mommylympic games. Mommy can barely pull off buying a birthday gift on your behalf that doesn’t look recycled and dressing you in something that isn’t encrusted in puréed sweet potato, while the mother of the birthday girl has managed to bake a tiered princess cake from scratch, hand make customized party favours and send out thematic invitations by mail, weeks in advance. Mommy is banking on the limitations of your one-year-old memory as she fills out Evite’s first birthday party template, and orders two party-sized pepperoni pizzas and a $19.98 grocery-store cake the night before your big day.
DRINK: Confetti. 4 oz unsweetened cherry cider, 1 oz almond syrup, 1 apple, 1 pear, 1 peach. Combine with ice in a blender and blend until smooth. Consume while doing internal cartwheels that you’re not in labor today.