The following conversation actually went down this morning.
MOMMY: Please put your shoes on.
MOMMY: So we can walk to daycare.
MOMMY: So Mommy can go to work… riddled with guilt.
MOMMY: Because, well, she wishes she could stay home with you, but she also truly loves her job. Well, not last Thursday, but most days, she enjoys it—
MOMMY: Because she’s fulfilled, spiritually and intellectually! Nah, jokes, it’s because she gets paid.
MOMMY: Because she studied hard, then worked hard, and gave up things like traveling to Asia for a year or being a snowburnout in Whistler or finding herself through “art” or whatever.
MOMMY: So she could climb the corporate ladder and buy a house and pay for things like organic goat yogurt and educational soaps and tiny ironic fedoras–
MOMMY: Oh. Oh, hey. You’re kind of right. Are you saying I should quit the career I’ve spent the better part of two decades clawing my way to the top of, because it’s all soulless, working for The Man, and I should start my own thing? Use my skills, expertise and industry know-how to my advantage? Do something with meaning, with heart, with its own risk and ultimate reward?!
YOU: I want Cheerios.
Mommy has an existential crisis, making everybody late, making her boss freak out, making her yell WHYYYY in the woman’s bathroom, scaring the interns, who are still fresh and keen and not yet punch drunk from the PBS show theme song “Super Why” echoing in their heads.
DRINK: Vodka. Why? Because at least it’s clear, unlike your career path, that’s why.
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BUY: The book. Enjoy the previously unpublished, utterly hilarious (and utterly delicious because it comes with cocktail recipes) Reasons Mommy Drinks. Buy online now or pick it up on shelves September 10.