It’s so hot outside. Mommy used to love the heat, back in the days when she could kick back in a string bikini and drink mojitos poolside all afternoon. Now she:
a) isn’t legally allowed to wear a string bikini due to public decency laws
b) has to be responsible
c) does not have a pool or have access to rich dudes with memberships to fancy club pools (anymore).
What she does have access to is the local public park wading pool. Which is, essentially, a giant toilet. Even though the Unpottied Masses are required to wear swim diapers, Mommy knows these do nothing because of that time she drove you home wearing Huggies Little Swimmers and your Britax became a biohazard. The bigger kids run wild with water guns, and not only does Mommy find it unnerving to see children holding weapons, but she is repeatedly the victim of a lethal force of water shooting out at 4256 miles an hour. Water that is FULL OF PEE. Mommy incurs moderate sunstroke keeping you safe from Super Soaker Crips (“urine 4 life, bro!”), and as she pushes you home past patios brimming with tanned, attractive, Corona-sipping twenty somethings, she reminds herself that 9 out of 10 of them has herpes.*
*Mommy is blatantly making that up to make herself feel better. It’s working.
DRINK: The Splash. 1 oz gin, 3 oz prosecco, splash of fresh lemon juice, serve in a plastic cup. Enjoy next to the turtle pool you’re going to buy at Target this weekend.