Flickr / Windell Oskay
Breaking news: Crown Publishing imprint Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House New York, has acquired, in a pre-empt, world rights to Reasons Mommy Drinks. In other words, Mommy got a book deal. Eeeee!
Mommy will be taking a brief hiatus from posting on the blog while she focuses her energy on writing the book. You know, with all her mountains of time in between managing her full-time career, raising you, and neglecting Daddy.
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Stay tuned for more details on the official publication date!
Like the cast of Days of our Lives, for years Mommy managed to evade the hands of time. Even after her 30th birthday, looking in the bathroom mirror through squinted eyes and with the dimmer switch fully engaged was like staring at a spitting image of her high school self (excluding the Sun-In spray damage and fashion crimes involving flannel.) But in recent months, the pace at which she’s burning through under-eye concealer is only one of countless clues that Mommy’s dreams of being cast in the 21st century revival of Oil of Olay’s “Bugsy Brown” ad campaign have officially died. Thankfully, Daddy is also aging at the speed of a time-lapse photography sequence in Planet Earth, but cheek-to-cheek with you in the most recent round of family portraits, Mommy was a dead ringer for Nick Nolte’s infamous 2002 mug shot. (Mommy should have known that Groupon offer was too good to be true. Grrr.) The sad state of Mommy’s skin shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, given chronic fatigue and drinking one’s weight in coffee once again evaded Glamour’s “Top 5 Anti-Aging Secrets” feature this year. And Mommy has spent about as much time tending to the skin around her eye area since your birth as she has to understanding the crisis in Syria. Of course you’re more than worth every wrinkle, line and adult acne scar; Mommy just wishes that on the days where she felt as incompetent as Teen Mom she at least looked the part.
DRINK: Fountain of Youth. 1 cup frozen blueberries, 1 cup frozen raspberries, 1 oz pomegranate juice, 1 peach, 1 apple, 2 cups spinach, 2 cups water. Blend all ingredients and serve. Loaded with anti-oxidants, this drink’s your best shot at one day being carded again, and still being able to register excitement on your face when it happens.