It took 45 minutes to get you down. It takes 45 seconds for Mommy to think something has gone wrong.
MOMMY: Do you think the baby’s ok?
DADDY: Yes. Do not go back in there and wake him up. Can we please just watch Masterchef?
Daddy doesn’t understand Mommy’s intuition, which he calls “craziness.” She says she’s just going to listen outside your door, but really she’s going on a stealth mission back into your room. Thanks to the baby blackout blinds she can’t see if your chest is rising. Nor can she see Thomas The Train on the floor, which impales Mommy. She screams internally and, by some miracle, manages not to wake you. Since she’s as blind as Snooki’s stylist, she tries to listen for your breath. The plush lamb emitting whale sounds (slow clap for another toy that will cause you to lag in science) is masking any snores of life. Instead of turning down the orca sheep, she decides it’s time to Freak Out and Panic. She frantically grabs you and starts screaming your name. This instantly reveals you’re very much alive. Having been woken up from a peaceful slumber by an insane person, you’re terrified and bawling your eyes out. Hooray! It’s going to be another hour to get you down again, and now she’ll never know who won Chef Ramsey’s mystery box challenge, but she will repeat this process until you go off to college. At which point she’ll continually use all technology available to embarrass you / ensure you’re safe.
DRINK: AngelCocktail System. 1 oz pomegranate juice, 1 oz vodka, 1/2 oz triple sec, squeeze of lime, orange zest to garnish. Pairs beautifully with a $300 premium AngelCare System, complete with LCD night vision and false alarms that will cause you to have several mini heart attacks.
Put your finger under his nose! Never wake a sleeping baby!!!
Ugh, I know. Total fail.
Good to know that the whale sounds on the sheep work….I can’t stop laughing every time I hear them though!
The whale calls don’t reaaaaaally work. Not for us anyway. The ocean waves or rain (while still not scientifically related to a sheep) work the best.
Amen! I do this daily. My husband has to restrain me and is always looking at me like I’m nuts when I get up to check on her when there is NO indication that she may need us.
When it comes to things related to the baby, I feel like my husband looks at me like I’m nuts ALL. THE. TIME.
I remember those days. Yesterday, I turned up the volume on the TV because junior was crying and I didn’t want to hear it. I muted it 5 minutes later to see if she was quiet, she wasn’t, and then went in. I like these days better!
Were you watching Masterchef? Because, real talk, I still don’t know who won the mystery box challenge.
Ummm… searching my mommy brain for the answer… it might have been Monty, maybe Frank?, but I do remember that it was Becky that got booted off!
HA HA HA! I love that you could at least tell me who got booted off. Next challenge will be staying up late enough on Sunday to see who Emily chooses (my vote is for Chris Harrison).
You stay up late enough to watch MasterChef? #winning
I’m burning the 9pm oil! But no, not watching it live. My list of recorded shows is really backing up.
I have missed MANY a mystery box challenge/STUNNING dish for this very reason. Sigh.
My girl is 4 years old now but I haven’t for ONE single second forgotten the HELL of not sleeping and the incessant checking once she finally did fall asleep.
I swear to god…this brought tears of laughter to my eyes and I had to put the link on my friends FB pages…your blog is effing aces