MOMMY: Do you think the baby’s ok?
DADDY: Yes. Do not go back in there and wake him up. Can we please just watch Masterchef?
Daddy doesn’t understand Mommy’s intuition, which he calls “craziness.” She says she’s just going to listen outside your door, but really she’s going on a stealth mission back into your room. Thanks to the baby blackout blinds she can’t see if your chest is rising. Nor can she see Thomas The Train on the floor, which impales Mommy. She screams internally and, by some miracle, manages not to wake you. Since she’s as blind as Snooki’s stylist, she tries to listen for your breath. The plush lamb emitting whale sounds (slow clap for another toy that will cause you to lag in science) is masking any snores of life. Instead of turning down the orca sheep, she decides it’s time to Freak Out and Panic. She frantically grabs you and starts screaming your name. This instantly reveals you’re very much alive. Having been woken up from a peaceful slumber by an insane person, you’re terrified and bawling your eyes out. Hooray! It’s going to be another hour to get you down again, and now she’ll never know who won Chef Ramsey’s mystery box challenge, but she will repeat this process until you go off to college. At which point she’ll continually use all technology available to embarrass you / ensure you’re safe.
DRINK: AngelCocktail System. 1 oz pomegranate juice, 1 oz vodka, 1/2 oz triple sec, squeeze of lime, orange zest to garnish. Pairs beautifully with a $300 premium AngelCare System, complete with LCD night vision and false alarms that will cause you to have several mini heart attacks.