Sometimes, when she’s covered in baby barf, tortured by sleep deprivation and she’s as hormonal as Chaz Chad Bono, Mommy fantasizes about What Could Have Been. This involves mentally scrolling through (and, real talk, Facebook creeping) her roster of Exes with rose-tinted glasses. There was The Big Man With A Small Penis who would have made her a kept woman, complete with a mansion, a staff and a barely legal mistress. There was The Guy With No Backbone who did whatever she wanted all the time except go away and / or stop crying. There was The Metrosexual Man who loved to cook, shop, floss and was Fifty Shades of Gay. And what about The Hot Guy With No Career? At least Mommy would be keeping up with her Brazilian waxes while she went broke funding his t-shirt printing business. Ultimately though, when you throw your pudgy arms around her neck and bare your big toothy grin, Mommy is incredibly grateful for Daddy. They made you together. Then she reminds herself that they are called “exes” for a reason.
DRINK: Molson Ex. Make sure it’s ice cold.