Forget saving up to buy you a car when you turn 16. Mommy’s already blown thousands of dollars on devices designed to get you from point A to B, and you’re barely 16 months. It started with the car seat. Your nephew’s discarded models were taking up prime storage space in the basement for five years before Mommy and Daddy learned that car seats have expiry dates. Seriously? The 1999 Corolla in which it will be installed is one frost away from collapse, but the 2006 Britax Marathon is already obsolete?! But, with your safety their top priority, Mommy and Daddy sprung $200 for a brand new bucket seat, which you proceeded to outgrow in less time than you spent in the womb. Nice. Then there was the hotly debated issue of which baby-wearing device to purchase. Despite witnessing multiple demos by store clerks on some petrifying plastic dolls, Mommy never actually understood how to use the three baby carriers she ended up purchasing during a hormone-induced shopping spree. And the idiot-proof YouTube instructional videos she resorted to after your birth were far too complex for her sleep-deprived brain. In the end, she struck gold with a hand-me-down sling… an unfortunate outcome given it looked like a cross between Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat and the wallpaper in her Grandma’s bathroom. Last but not least (refer to exhibit A – Mommy’s new line of credit) was your stroller. Mommy thought it was reasonable to expect that a $1000 model would fulfill your every need (and wildest desire), but apparently not so. It seems that you and your peers require a cavalcade of strollers: one for the city, one for travel, even one that Mommy’s expected to push while jogging. All of this was lovely until you learned to walk. Now, placing you in a stroller of any kind elicits shrieks so blood-curdling that Mommy regularly checks the seat for sharp objects. Your newfound mobility brings tears to Mommy’s eyes – you’re all grown up and now it takes 45 minutes to travel a half a block. Wahh!
DRINK: Singapore Sling. 1 oz gin. 1/2 oz cherry brandy. 1/2 oz grenadine. 2 oz sweet and sour mix. 2 oz chilled club soda. Pour ingredients into an ice-filled glass, and garnish with a cherry.