Mommy has witnessed thousands of film and TV births in her lifetime, but they’ve achieved new comic status now that she’s got the inside scoop on how labour really goes down. Mommy finds it ironic that in Hollywood no pregnant character ever gets an epidural, while the actress playing the role of “brave mommy-to-be writhing in pain in the delivery room” pops eight percocet pills every time she breaks an acrylic nail. The Hollywood newborn, plucked from an Anne Geddes calendar, is always born approximately eight minutes after the mother’s water breaks, looking six months old, with nary a conehead or snaggletooth in sight. The scene where the sobbing and sleep-deprived new mom attempts to latch her screaming baby to her throbbing boobs while perched on a bag of frozen peas always ends up on the cutting room floor, and her husband never seems to forget to install the car seat before leaving for the hospital…
DRINK: The Box Office Smash. Sneak a flask into the theatre and spike your 32-oz Coke just before the scene where the protagonist slips back into her size 0 wardrobe the day after she gives birth.
Oh I love Hollywood… Make a perfect accompaniment to my nightmares.
Hollywood is the source of my nightmares. That scene in Knocked Up?! Seriously?
There are times when I watch TV “births” and think that woman’s vagina would be torn into pieces if she actually gave birth to that 15 lb baby!
Good thing every one in Hollywood’s got a live-in plastic surgeon.
I also love how they never go repeatedly to get checked, never have “false labour” – their water ALWAYS breaks and suddenly they are screaming maniacs. Yeah, exactly how it happens.
Maybe now that having a having a baby is all the rage in Hollywood, all the new celebrity mommies are going to revolt against the studios and demand an accurate depiction of labour (i.e. scheduled c-section followed by tummy tuck.)
Not to mention the heavy reliance in Hollywood on “hee-hee-WHOO” breathing the instant the woman goes into labor, as if she has to start pushing right away. Oh, if only it were that quick.
So true! I actually tried that “hee-hee-WHOO” method (that I learned on The Cosby Show back in the day) and it was a massive flop. My poor baby’s heart rate dropped with every failed lamaze attempt! On the positive side, it’s nice to know that even the Huxtables got it wrong from time to time.
And after the baby is born (particularly in TV shows) it is never seen or heard from again!! I love your posts…
http://www.thethirtiesgrind.com
Or it emerges next season as a pre-pubescent teen! Meanwhile, the TV mom now looks 10 years younger thanks to botox treatments she received during the hiatus between seasons. Creepy! Good thing the show inevitably gets cancelled six months later.
I was SHOCKED to find out that the onset of labor is preceded by waters breaking in only 15-25% of all cases! I definitely have Hollywood to thank for that…
That shocked me too. And then I was doubly shocked when mine actually ended up breaking. Of course, that was nothing like the Hollywood portrayal either. No wonder we’re forced to watch those sketchy “real-life” birthing videos in pre-natal classes.