Sometimes the basement floods or the nanny gets deported and suddenly Mommy has to work from home. This coincides with the worst possible day ever to not be at the office. You’re happily playing on the floor so she orchestrates a conference call.
MOMMY: Thanks everyone for dialing in. As you can see on page four—
YOU: DUCKA DUCKA DUCKAAAAAAAAAA!
CLIENT: Is there a fire alarm at your end?
JUNIOR ACCOUNT GUY: I think I hear a cat dying.
Mommy quickly turns on Sesame Street’s YouTube channel, even though it might give you epilepsy, and goes off the cuff because she can’t see her Excel file.
MOMMY: —as you’ll see on page six—
CLIENT: What happened to page four?
Sippy cup spills organic goat milk all over laptop. Sad Mac face appears.
MACBOOK AIR: BLEEEEEERRRRRRR!
YOU: BLEEEEEERRRRRRR!
JUNIOR ACCOUNT GUY: Seriously is that cat okay?
Mommy tries to hit mute but instead hangs up on the call. Now she can’t find the passcode. When she finally dials back in, she has no idea what anyone is talking about. It’s probably about her.
CLIENT: …clear out the dead weight, we’ll be in a great place. What do you think on your end?
MOMMY: Well… (fuuuuck!)… let’s circle back EOD with some below the line ideas to maximize share of dollar (that sounds like Mommy has this under control, right?).
Total silence.
YOU: PPPFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTWRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPFFFTTTTTTTT!
Mercifully, someone has a hard stop so the call ends. Your diaper has leaked all over the sofa. Mommy lies down on it anyway. You pick up her company-owned Blackberry and toss it in the toilet, which is a good metaphor for where Mommy’s career is headed.
DRINK: Career Suicide. 1 oz Jack Daniels. 1 oz Tequila. Top with 7up, OJ and a splash of grenadine. Enjoy while updating your Linked In profile.
Getting all kinds of stares on the bus as I kill myself laughing to tears!!!!
I love the bus. It’s the magical place between work and home where you can eat a bagel and read someone’s discarded People. Bliss.
I re-read this post and peed myself. seriously. LOL
That was the funniest post yet. I could imagine it (and I’ve heard some of it while on conference calls, LOL).
At least it wasn’t a video conference call. “Business casual” does not equal Lululemon pants and a nursing tank top covered in rice cereal. Oh dear.
Seriously I am super picky with blogs but you are hilarious!! Weird coincidence we both blogged about working from home today!! Mine wasn’t as eventful though
You’re so right about how working from home equals eat whatever is around. Like peanut butter and salsa sandwiches. It covers several food groups! I wish I had some vegan cheese.
HAHAHAHHAHAH! The vegan cheese I eat is called Daiya. Even my dog has been eyeing it. I never thought pea protein, titanium dioxide and inactive yeast could taste so good! It even melts. Someone may know a little too much about vegan cheese….
OMG. This is my life. Hilarious.