At least the name is accurate. After reading The Big Red Barn for the 1,098th time, Mommy is officially bored. She used to pour over Jonathan Franzen novels and biographies about Steve Jobs, but now she finds herself overly invested in the search and rescue mission unfolding in Where’s Spot? This is not helping her rapid descent into permanent Mommy Brain. Some board books don’t even have plots. Or words! They’re just pictures of babies next to pictures of baby animals. How did this author get a book deal? Did she go into Random House and say “I’ll shoot you straight. I spent my advance on a cocaine-fueled gambling binge but check out these royalty-free stock shots I found on Google images.” To spice things up, Mommy has started going off script and hoping you don’t notice. In last night’s rendition of Goodnight Moon, The Quiet Old Lady was having a torrid affair with The Cow and The Two Little Kittens were about to expose the scandal on E! Bowl Full Of Mush Network. Speaking of Goodnight Moon, the page where we say goodnight to nobody? That’s messed up. Time passes all too quickly and soon you’ll grow out of Mommy reading to you. Then she’ll miss Sandra Boynton’s complexities of the post-modern anti-hero in The Snuggle Puppy. One day you’ll read Charlotte’s Web all on your own. Spoiler Alert: the central character DIES. This is why you should stick to math.
DRINK: Boardbook Empire. 1 oz Canadian Club whisky, 1 oz peach schnapps, 3 oz cola and a squeeze of fresh lime. Serve on a board book, which makes a great coaster.