Teething is the Get Out of Jail Free card bestowed to babies. Up at midnight, 2 am and 5 am for a week straight, after you’d finally learned to sleep through the night? It must be teething. Bit Sofia’s finger at swim class? It must be teething. Your entire breakfast ended up on the wall? It must be teething. Bad case of baby PMS? It must be teething. If you actually sprouted a tooth every time Mommy and Daddy uttered those four words, you could buy the family the 2017 Dodge Grand Caravan with the jackpot you’ve got coming from the tooth fairy. Mommy only wishes the misery ended when those pearly whites poked through your little gums. Unfortunately, even though they are merely stand-ins, those baby teeth need brushing – a process which goes down something like this. Mommy comes at you with the toothbrush. You and Mommy play tug of war with the toothbrush. Mommy wins because she’s bigger. Mommy attempts to pry your lips open long enough to run the brush at least once along your top and bottom gums. You let out a blood-curdling scream. Mommy loses because she has a headache. You lick the berry tooth gel off the brush and fling it under the couch. Mommy gives up and adds “baby gingivitis” to the ever-growing list of things that keep her up at night.
DRINK: White Cloud cocktail. 1 oz vodka, 1 oz white crème de cacao, 3 oz milk. Shake over ice and strain into a large highball glass over crushed ice. Your drink can be the perfect shade of white, even if your baby’s teeth can’t.