Before you were born, Sparky was the centre of Mommy and Daddy’s universe. Sparky was the Test Baby and was spoiled as such with free-range bison meat, monogrammed Alessi dishes and endless affection. Sparky had a Facebook page with funny status updates like “Chasing tail tonight, look out ladies” and “It’s Friday? Feels like Thursday.” Now poor Sparky is pet-sona non grata. This has led to some bad behaviour, including chewing all your baby toys and Mommy’s entire collection of Aldo shoes. Never mind the fact that Sparky completely failed as the Test Baby because we can’t just leave you for a night by turning on The National Geographic channel and putting out a bowl of kibble. Speaking of kibble, when you were crawling around yesterday Mommy caught you eating some off the kitchen floor. You won’t eat homemade, wholesome food but you will eat dehydrated cow testicles or whatever else is in pet chow. Not only is all the Ikea EKTORP either clawed or covered in spit up, but it seems both you and Sparky are in a literal pissing contest to mark your territory. These days, Mommy’s always cleaning up someone else’s pee: yours, Sparky’s and Daddy’s. Maybe when you grow up, you’ll have better aim.
DRINK (FOR CAT PEOPLE): The Cat’s Ass. 1 oz Blue Curacao, 1oz Triple Sec, 5 oz Cream Soda. Garnish with two cherries skewered on a toothpick. Which looks like a cat’s bum. Yeah, yeah, it’s juvenile humour, get used to it. Your child will at some point be in grade 3.
DRINK (FOR DOG PEOPLE): A Salty Dog. 1oz vodka, 3oz grapefruit juice. Rim the glass with salt and serve on a short leash. Between baby and Sparky, you’re always someone else’s bitch.
I am tempted to give up my yowling alley cat every.single.day.
I love love love our cat. So much so that she’s been shipped off to Grandma’s until the baby learns a live animal is not a toy. Luckily, Gran spoils the cat more than she spoils the baby, so everyone wins.
oooooh, this is so so true!
So true. We love our dog but I always feel guilty that he now comes last…but I think he likes just being part of our lives. Although, as soon as the kids come running down the stairs in the morning, he goes to the front door and shoots me a look that pleads, “get me the f*%k outta here!”
http://www.thethirtiesgrind.com
Sometimes, I feel the same way as your dog.
For some reason when I announced my third pregnancy, the in-laws decided the four year old needed a puppy. To this day completely baffled. Poor puppy…
Oh dear!!! They didn’t check with you first? What 4 year old needs a puppy?? Get them an abacus, that’s what I say.
They just told us it was coming. My husband was very disappointed that my son doesn’t walk the dog or remember to feed him. Good to have some back up that it’s not that our oldest is immature, I thought that was a big responsibility!
You should make the in-laws come over to walk the dog.
This was my favorite post yet! I can’t wait to read your book!