Before you were born, Sparky was the centre of Mommy and Daddy’s universe. Sparky was the Test Baby and was spoiled as such with free-range bison meat, monogrammed Alessi dishes and endless affection. Sparky had a Facebook page with funny status updates like “Chasing tail tonight, look out ladies” and “It’s Friday? Feels like Thursday.” Now poor Sparky is pet-sona non grata. This has led to some bad behaviour, including chewing all your baby toys and Mommy’s entire collection of Aldo shoes. Never mind the fact that Sparky completely failed as the Test Baby because we can’t just leave you for a night by turning on The National Geographic channel and putting out a bowl of kibble. Speaking of kibble, when you were crawling around yesterday Mommy caught you eating some off the kitchen floor. You won’t eat homemade, wholesome food but you will eat dehydrated cow testicles or whatever else is in pet chow. Not only is all the Ikea EKTORP either clawed or covered in spit up, but it seems both you and Sparky are in a literal pissing contest to mark your territory. These days, Mommy’s always cleaning up someone else’s pee: yours, Sparky’s and Daddy’s. Maybe when you grow up, you’ll have better aim.
DRINK (FOR CAT PEOPLE): The Cat’s Ass. 1 oz Blue Curacao, 1oz Triple Sec, 5 oz Cream Soda. Garnish with two cherries skewered on a toothpick. Which looks like a cat’s bum. Yeah, yeah, it’s juvenile humour, get used to it. Your child will at some point be in grade 3.
DRINK (FOR DOG PEOPLE): A Salty Dog. 1oz vodka, 3oz grapefruit juice. Rim the glass with salt and serve on a short leash. Between baby and Sparky, you’re always someone else’s bitch.