Mommy’s not sure how her pretty little house turned into a maximum security prison overnight. Everywhere she turns, Mommy is intercepted by bars, latches or clamps. Even the toilet seat is equipped with an industrial-grade lock. Mommy can’t get into anything these days without breaking a nail, seeking help from an instructional video on YouTube, or losing her shit. And the price tag for her CSI: Sesame Street home makeover? A $700 Visa bill and an entire weekend devoted to installation. Mommy thought nothing could be more excruciating than the hours she spent sifting through hundreds of Benji Moore paint chips and interior design blogs to land on the perfect off-white hue for every wall and piece of trim in the house. Until she had to watch Daddy drill unsightly holes into half of the fruits of her labour to install baby gates that you’ll conquer in approximately three days. Not so long ago, Mommy would have thought that any parent who would go to such extreme precautionary measures to protect their child must be suffering from a severe paranoia disorder. Then she turned her back on you for 30 seconds last week and caught you halfway up the staircase about to empty the contents of her change purse into your mouth. Safety 1st ™ 1. Mommy 0.
DRINK: Alabama Slammer. 1 oz Southern Comfort liqueur, 1 oz Amaretto liqueur, 1 dash grenadine syrup, 4 oz orange juice. In a glass of ice, combine Southern Comfort, Amaretto and grenadine. Fill with orange juice and stir. Dream about life on the outside.