Mommy’s not sure how her pretty little house turned into a maximum security prison overnight. Everywhere she turns, Mommy is intercepted by bars, latches or clamps. Even the toilet seat is equipped with an industrial-grade lock. Mommy can’t get into anything these days without breaking a nail, seeking help from an instructional video on YouTube, or losing her shit. And the price tag for her CSI: Sesame Street home makeover? A $700 Visa bill and an entire weekend devoted to installation. Mommy thought nothing could be more excruciating than the hours she spent sifting through hundreds of Benji Moore paint chips and interior design blogs to land on the perfect off-white hue for every wall and piece of trim in the house. Until she had to watch Daddy drill unsightly holes into half of the fruits of her labour to install baby gates that you’ll conquer in approximately three days. Not so long ago, Mommy would have thought that any parent who would go to such extreme precautionary measures to protect their child must be suffering from a severe paranoia disorder. Then she turned her back on you for 30 seconds last week and caught you halfway up the staircase about to empty the contents of her change purse into your mouth. Safety 1st ™ 1. Mommy 0.
DRINK: Alabama Slammer. 1 oz Southern Comfort liqueur, 1 oz Amaretto liqueur, 1 dash grenadine syrup, 4 oz orange juice. In a glass of ice, combine Southern Comfort, Amaretto and grenadine. Fill with orange juice and stir. Dream about life on the outside.
My ankles aRe still recovering from baby gate hurdling for two years. I hate baby gates…however, they are effective!
I can’t believe my legs are covered in bruises just in time for the arrival of skirt weather. Grrrrr.
This blog is simply amazing! Raffi, Ferber, celebrity moms. What the hell. And now for a request: If you were to comment on Hillary Duff’s one-week-post-partum-gettin’-highlights-done-outfit, I may just crawl into a hole and die (happy).
I ADORE the leopard-print jeans!!!! Why oh why were these not available at Motherhood Maternity during my pregnancy? Almost worth having baby #2. Rock the highlights while you can Hilary. Three more months ’til post-partum hair loss kicks in!
I’m so glad our kids are older now and we don’t have to be as careful about putting away my broken glass and exposed electric wire collections.
“As careful” – LOL. While I’ve got you, please advise the new parent. When are shards of glass and live wires age appropriate? I can’t find anything on this topic in my Dr. Spock collection.
It’s worth the holes in the walls for the extra 300 hours you would have spent chasing her
True. Too bad I still feel like I just ran a marathon at the end of every day. Is parenting really this physically demanding or is my body just getting old?
My second had just turned 5, and we had finally got around to taking down all the gates, filling the holes, and repainting. Not one month later we found out I was expecting #3 (clearly a surprise). She is now 18 months and there is no freakin way i am putting up gates again. And I told my older kids it is their job to run after her Lol! Luckily she isn’t a daredevil like my other 2 and tends to stick close by.
I love everything about this story. Thankfully, I’m starting to embrace the gates as a decor trend so won’t be rushing to dismantle them anytime soon.