Mommy was already a fringe member of the neighbourhood Mommy groups, given her lacklustre baking skills and shameful habit of dressing you in sleepers at all hours of the day (well beyond the three-month grace period.) But now you’ve really sealed Mommy’s social fate as a Mommy pariah with your newfound hair-pulling fixation, depriving Mommy from hereon in of one of her only opportunities for adult conversation when Daddy’s at work (even if said conversation involves exchanging explosive poo stories and Raffi song recommendations.) Unfortunately Mommy’s desperate cries of “Gentle! Gentle!” only make you pull your victim in closer, until Mommy is forced to pry you away, beg for forgiveness, and then disappear with you into the night, her head bowed in shame. Mommy thought hairless babies were safe from your iron fist, but apparently you don’t distinguish between a handful of hair and scalp. Even more upsetting than the trauma you’re inflicting on your former playmates is Mommy’s realization that, for the rest of her life, any bad behavior you may engage in will always reflect on her and something she should/shouldn’t have done / said / taught / discouraged / encouraged / practiced / read / fed you.
DRINK: The Lonely Island. Get in touch with your inner Tom Hanks with this Castaway-inspired mocktail. 2 oz coconut milk, 2 oz fresh lime juice, sparkling water. Shake coconut milk and lime juice together and pour over ice into a chilled tall glass. Fill with sparkling water, stir, and garnish with a mint sprig. If you’re feeling lonely these days, befriend a volleyball. “Wilsonnnnnnnnn!”