If you can sleep in, spend $43 on a lemon sage ravioli, fly last minute to Croatia, get your eyebrows waxed, have nothing in your fridge but Stella Artois and mustard, take yoga-muay thai fusion Wednesdays at 6pm, say things like “this season of Dexter was staid and uninspired and couldn’t live up to neoclassical themes woven into the existential tapestry of Game of Thrones” or own nice things then you are single. Single people complain about being single all the time. Mommy nods politely as they whine about mediocre service, eHarmony or the end of a Tribeca Film Festival selection, but all the while Mommy is fantasizing of wearing their skin to become them, just like in Silence of the Lambs. Single people don’t pee when they sneeze. They really don’t know how good they have it. This of course does not apply to single parents, who are heroes and should be given keys to the city’s wine cellar immediately.
DRINK: The Cosmompolitan. The traditional Cosmo may be the single girl’s go to, but this delicious tipple is just for Mommy. Shot of Absolute Mandarin vodka, shot of Absolute Cherry vodka, half shot of Cointreau, splash of lime juice, splash of pomegranate juice. Shake over ice, strain and serve.