Mommy longs for the days when birthday parties involved bypassing the line at Devil’s Martini, dancing on speakers, doing Polar Bear shooters, and puking in a cab on the way home. Now, as adult birthdays fade into oblivion, only to emerge once a decade tainted with flamingos, “over-the-hill” cards and awkward-for-everyone mooning incidents, birthday parties have come to be about sacrificing your afternoon nap every other Saturday to witness the ultimate battle for gold in the Mommylympic games. Mommy can barely pull off buying a birthday gift on your behalf that doesn’t look recycled and dressing you in something that isn’t encrusted in puréed sweet potato, while the mother of the birthday girl has managed to bake a tiered princess cake from scratch, hand make customized party favours and send out thematic invitations by mail, weeks in advance. Mommy is banking on the limitations of your one-year-old memory as she fills out Evite’s first birthday party template, and orders two party-sized pepperoni pizzas and a $19.98 grocery-store cake the night before your big day.
DRINK: Confetti. 4 oz unsweetened cherry cider, 1 oz almond syrup, 1 apple, 1 pear, 1 peach. Combine with ice in a blender and blend until smooth. Consume while doing internal cartwheels that you’re not in labor today.
I think your Shirley Temple needs to lose her virginity to a man named Captain Morgan,
That. Is. Gold.
Um… I am totally going thru this RIGHT NOW – I have ordered everything party related online (last minute so nothing matches) and my preparations will start and end at the grocery store. That’s what I got right about now. Xxx
And it will STILL cost a fortune. ARG.
Why do it? Never had a birthday party in my life and my kid, whenever it comes around, will prob never have one either. Cultural differences are the shit
Yeah! Birthday parties are totally overrated anyway. The birthday kid always ends up losing it and crying hysterically in the corner at some point. Save them the pain, and just double the presents when Christmas/insert appropriate cultural holiday here rolls around.