Mommy-to-be was all holier than thou with her “We will only buy non-toxic, eco-friendly wooden toys made from local Amish people for our little angel” declarations, made while downing her grande non-fat low foam decaf latte with 2 pumps of hazelnut syrup. Now you’re not even a year old, and her house looks like Fisher Price threw up its entire 2011 catalogue on her 10 by 12 foot living room floor. Mommy can run but she definitely can’t hide from the rainbow-coloured explosion of plastic toys from China that’s invaded every corner of her home. Yesterday, Mommy even spotted a shard of plastic nestled in your dirty diaper. Besides worrying about the long-term effects of the polyutherane you’re ingesting, Mommy is too embarrassed by her hypocrisy to invite anyone over for play dates anymore. And leaving the house to socialize is too overwhelming with the chronic headache she’s developed from all the off-gassing.
DRINK: China White. ½ oz white crème de cacao, ½ oz vodka, ½ oz Irish cream, served over ice with a splash of milk. Top with a dash of cinnamon.