Sure, there are a lot of things Mommy doesn’t miss about being pregnant. Like heartburn, cankles, and three months spent hugging the toilet bowl. But pregnancy definitely had its rewards. Aside from the 40 pounds of extra weight around her mid section, Mommy-to-be was a spitting image of a Victoria Secret model thanks to her no-leak double D rack, luscious locks and hormone-charged glow. And armed with her “baby brain” pass, she never had to sweat forgetting a best friend’s birthday or saying something stupid in a really important meeting. But, now that you’re born, Mommy no longer walks on water and she’s finding it hard to cope as yesterday’s news. She’s wondering why all the nice strangers who used to run to her expectant side to open doors for her are always MIA when she’s struggling to jam your SUV-sized stroller through the tiny non-automated Starbucks doorway without spilling half her extra hot latte on your lap. And the world could now care less whether you’re a boy or a girl, they just want to know what Mommy’s done to make you scream so loudly. Recently, Mommy’s even caught herself longing for the unsolicited belly strokes that used to make her throw up in her mouth a little. Now she has only your dirty diapers to thank for that.
DRINK: Break out your maternity jeggings and a basketball and enjoy a Cranberry and Soda, for old time’s sake.
The ONLY thing I enjoyed about being pregnant was that I had great fingernails. Like hand model nails. Everything else I could easily forget about!
Having great nails while preggo is a huge perk – it just looks so much prettier as you point to stuff you want, and people get it for you! Those days are long gone, as is the perfect manicure.
What’s even better is when you’re a daddy and the kid is screaming and they look at you like “Well, if mommy was here I’m sure she would take care of this yelling brat of a child.” And you can’t fight back with a “Look, my wife is equally useless at calming this kid down right now!”, because that kind of makes you look like a dick.
LOL! Paul, thanks for confirming what I always knew was going on inside my husband’s head during those precious moments you describe…
Your blog is absolute GOLD! I read almost the entire site from start to finish to my husband, and we LOL’ed the whole time. Keep up the fantastically hilarious posts!
Thanks so much for the love Laura! More tales of leakage to come.
I’m at home today. Isa is sick, Ame is teething. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that at 3pm they both would be napping and I could have a glass of scotch (guilt free) while reading your blog
Thank you!
Oh no! Hope everyone feels better soon Claudia – also hope that was a damn good glass of scotch.
Paul I seriously just peed myself at your comment
That comment also made me pee myself, and not just because I no longer have bladder control. Hilarious.