The Olympics

10 Feb
Flikr/James Cridland

Flikr/James Cridland

It’s the most anticipated event since the first time you slept through the night: the 2014 Olympic Games!  Finally there is something more riveting than the Shopping Network on television when Mommy wakes up at 5 a.m.  Familiar moments from Olympics past such as falling asleep between Germany and Slovenia during the Parade of Nations, are interspersed with novel challenges like dodging Olympic spoilers while surfing Facebook at work.  Also new this year is Mommy’s fragile emotional state, and it’s not just because she’s surrounded by six packs in high def.  The combined impact of P&G’s “Thank You Mom” ad campaign, Chariots of Fire on permanent repeat, and the television networks’ human interest stories behind the Games (which always involve some combination of a deceased war hero, a devastating knee injury and a village fire,) is going to put Mommy in therapy until Rio 2016.  Normally she would channel this emotional energy into fueling her own Olympic dream, but it died on Day 1 when she pulled a hamstring peeling herself off the couch to microwave her Michelena frozen dinner.  Besides, Mommy already feels like she walked in an Olympian’s shoes during her pregnancy thanks to the dietary restrictions, toting around a shot put ball for nine months, and her medal-worthy performance in the delivery room.  Luckily Daddy has pegged the family’s Olympic dreams on you, wholeheartedly convinced that you’ll bust on to the podium by 2026.  Mommy secretly wonders if he’s reading too much into the “early signs of promise” he’s witnessed in you from the two Parents & Tots skating classes you’ve attended so far, but she chooses to suspend disbelief so she can fantasize about becoming a Tiger Mom.

DRINK: Gold Medal Cocktail. ½ oz vodka, ½ oz triple sec, 3 oz pureed mango, 2 oz orange juice, splash of lime. Serve chilled, garnished with a lime wedge. Victory’s never tasted so sweet.

Ten reasons parents may need to spike their eggnog. Right now.

17 Dec

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 7.58.04 AM

  1. Advent calendars. The kids opened and ate all 25 days in one sitting and are now higher than that time you experimented in college.
  2. Scheduling.  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (sobs as iPhone call display shows 48 missed calls from the In Laws.)
  3. Gifts. Too many have been purchased that involve assembly, batteries or a computer science degree.
  4. Flu season. The kids vacillate between a hacking cough, a ropey nose and a low-grade fever. Or all three if it’s between the hours of 9pm and 9am.
  5. Shopping. While dragging kids around with you. This. Is. Pure. Hell.
  6. Decorations. Can’t find any from last year. Forced to buy them again at full price, only to find them when you pack away this year’s decors.
  7. Baking. Failed attempts to re-create even the simplest recipes from Pinterest have resulted into two grease fires and one suspected case of salmonella.
  8. Daddy. His office is open during the holidays (suspect), leaving you to run Operation Stir Crazy Kids solo.
  9. Snow. A white Christmas is pretty in songs, but this last dump of the stuff threw your back out, along with the furnace.
  10. The Visa Bill. You’re seeing red and all out of green.

DRINK: Eggnog. Book a babysitter, brave the snow, hit a holiday party and enjoy a glass of festive cheer. By “festive cheer” this of course means “add rum”.

BUY: The ultimate stocking stuffer, Reasons Mommy Drinks. “I bought 8 copies for all the other reindeer!”-Rudolph

The Elf on the Shelf

10 Dec

the elf on the shelfBuying The Elf on the Shelf was the Worst Idea Ever. Not only is Santa’s little helper eerily reminiscent of Joan Rivers, but Mommy fears that constantly reminding you about all the amazing Christmas presents Santa’s going to bring you if you’re well behaved is both inflating your expectations and putting some serious performance pressure on Santa’s real-life elf AKA Mommy. The chocolate advent calendar she bought you (another purchase that led to immediate buyer’s remorse) is a daily reminder that there’s NO TIME left until Christmas, yet Mommy’s still no further ahead in her quest to find you toys that are equal parts educational, entertaining and economical. A visit to the local toy store yesterday was the opposite of help. Mommy spent thirty minutes waiting in line for a 2-minute interaction with a store employee. Only for him to recommend she spend $350 on the Thomas and Friends Wooden Railway Table. Not only does Mommy have issue with the fact that she could have constructed this table in 9th grade woodworking class, but it comes complete with NO trains and NO tracks!  Or how about this $250 junior kitchen set on display beside it, featuring stainless steel appliances and marble backsplash so now even toddlers can keep up with the Joneses! Please don’t misunderstand Mommy – it’s not that she wouldn’t give the world for you to have everything your heart desires this Christmas. But she fell into the trap of breaking the bank on presents last year, only to watch you spend the next hour playing exclusively with the discarded wrapping paper.

THE DRINK: Shelf the Elf. Combine 2 oz of Midori liqueur with ½ oz of fresh lemon juice and 1 teaspoon of simply syrup in a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled glass and garnish with a maraschino cherry. Enjoy after retiring the Elf on the Shelf to the bottom of the basement closet where last year’s “must have!” Furby now resides.

Dora The Explorer: Live

3 Dec

Dora, Beer Me.

Three weeks ago:

DADDY: I got us “Dora the Explorer: Live” tickets.

MOMMY: Cute! Memories for a lifetime!

DADDY: With the upgraded “meet Dora backstage” passes!

MOMMY: This will be so fun!

During the concert:

DADDY: Good thing we paid extra for backstage passes. So many lines! And screaming! And airborne illnesses! Yay!

MOMMY: Our child knows all the words to these songs. He watches too much TV. We are terrible parents.

DADDY: The venue parking alone cost more than we put in his RESP this month.

MOMMY: Is apple juice and half a churro a balanced dinner…?

DADDY: Oh good. It’s over. OHMYGODIT’SONLYINTERMISSION.

MOMMY: I’m so tired. I might die of tired. Please play an acoustic version of “I’m the map” at my funeral. What time is it? Like 4am?

DADDY: It’s 6:45pm.

MOMMY: Let’s never do this again.

The next day:

DADDY: Sesame Street Live is coming next month.

MOMMY: Cute! Let’s do it.

DRINK:   The School of Rock. Remember your pre-kid concert days and pour a warm domestic beer into a red Solo cup. Turn up the Weezer and sing along with these parental advisory lyrics: “If you want to destroy my sweater / draw on it with permanent marker / puke organic cranberry juice on it / leave your crayons in the dryer / pull this thread and just walk away…”

The Holiday Card

26 Nov

Family photoGone are the days when sending holiday cheer to family and friends involved buying a club-sized pack of generic “Season’s Greetings!” cards. The personalized family holiday card has not only become a base expectation, but a way for the newest generation of parents to confirm to everyone in their social network just how original, talented, or awkward they really are. Mommy and Daddy already have a huge strike against them after failing at life last year with a mass holiday e-greeting sent at 8 pm on Christmas day. Which is why this year Mommy is more determined than ever to create the masterpiece that earns acclaim and envy from even the toughest critics on her holiday mailing list. The problem is that every creative direction under consideration has some serious downsides, as follows:

1)      The Glamour Card. Although Mommy immediately fell in love with the idea of a Kardashian-inspired family photo perched upon the mantel of everyone she knows, doing the math on the hair and make-up team, cashmere sweater vests, mansion rental, and extensive post-production work required to pull this option off quickly rendered it out of the financial question.

2)      The Precious Work of Art. Even though Mommy can think of nothing more fulfilling than spending her zero free time die cutting glitter paper nativity scenes, Mommy firmly believes that adults should have the maturity to acknowledge both their strengths and their weaknesses. Enough said.

3)      The “We’re sooooo Hilarious!” Card. Check out this hysterical idea that Mommy and Daddy conceived for a Christmas card, totally not stolen from awkwardfamilyphotos.com! We spent an entire afternoon finding these moth-infested Christmas sweaters at Value Village! Aren’t our puns really clever?! p.s. To Aunt Sally who was recently born again, please don’t be offended by our slightly off-colour Santa joke!

DRINK: The Holiday Fizzle. 1 ½ cups raspberry juice, 3 scoops raspberry sorbet; ½ cup carbonated water Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth for a fizzy mocktail the whole family can enjoy. And remember that if your holiday card  is a bust again this year, you can always take a second stab in January with a reputation-redeeming New Year’s greeting.

Bargaining

19 Nov

letsmakeadeal01mLately, Mommy’s parenting style has consisted of one technique: making deals. Ever since you became an actual person, with opinions and ideas about things, like wanting to eat poison or not wear shoes, every interaction is like she’s in 1998’s The Negotiator.

CRACK OF STUPID O’CLOCK: If Mommy lets you watch Diego on the iPad, will you let her close her eyes for another 17 minutes? Mommy knows this means the Baby Jaguar will haunt her dreams but she’s willing to make this sacrifice.

GETTING DRESSED: Put on pants and Mommy will let you have Corn Puffs for breakfast instead of the healthy quinoa berry organic yogurt she slaved over last night. Fine, yes, your Halloween costume counts as pants.

GOING TO DAYCARE: You can walk on your own. Use your feet. Walk this way. Ahhhhhh not into traffic! Alright, you’ve made your point. Mommy will carry you the whole way there, sciatica be damned.

PLAYTIME: Banging the metal radiator cover with a serving spoon  is not cool! That is not a musical instrument! Fine, fine, it is a drum set, but only stop screaming the Ozzy Osbourne lyrics Daddy taught you (“Babe, come on, this is hilarious. We’ll be famous on Vine!”) while Mommy digs through the drawers for the expired Tylenol 3s from her C-section.

WHILE SHOPPING: We are not buying that toy / unhealthy food item / sharp thing. Okay okay okay! We are buying it! Stop the five alarm tantrum and Mommy will buy anything to avoid the judgmental stares from the entire store.  Damn you, people who put candy in the checkout aisle.

DANGER: Don’t touch! Poke! Jump on! Lick! Swallow! Grab! Point! Run with! Drink! Play with! Yell at! Pull! Throw! Push! Carry! Tease! Chew! Use Magic Marker on! Provoke! Climb on! In exchange, Mommy will give you her iPhone to play with and pray it doesn’t end up in the toilet. Again.

BEDTIME: If you stop escaping from your big kid bed, demanding water in the middle of the night, emotionally blackmailing Mommy for another rendition of Twinkle Twinkle, asking for “one more story!” which actually means seven more stories, and you give Mommy 12 hours of sleep, in your own bed, without waking up, Mommy will buy you a Porsche. She’s that desperate for a solid night’s sleep.

DRINK: Let’s Make a Deal. 1 oz Cognac, splash of Chambord, splash of pineapple juice, and top with cranberry juice. Serve over ice and add freshly squeezed lime to taste. Use your sharply honed negotiating skills to get your husband to make it for you.

The November Blahs

13 Nov

imagesMommy is suffering from an extreme case of the November blahs. Probable causes:

  1. The sea of grey that greets her each morning. Otherwise known as Mommy’s lacklustre Fall wardrobe.
  2. The leftover Halloween candy supply has been officially depleted. Mommy just confirmed this by tearing the entire kitchen apart, only to turn up one lone and rock-hard Tootsie roll that she ate out of sheer desperation.
  3. Cold November Rain. The kind that’s not sexy like Axl Rose circa 1992 and actually does last forever.
  4. Three more layers of clothing to negotiate with you in the morning.
  5. 41 days?! How is Mommy already late for Christmas again???

As a single girl in her twenties, the only surefire remedy for November-induced melancholy was an all-inclusive girls’ vacation to Mexico. Back then, there was no greater pick-me-up than winning the affection of the resort’s personal trainer, not to mention ushering in holiday party season with a tan. Unfortunately, according to Expedia, the only all-inclusive family vacation package within Mommy & Daddy’s budget is a weekend at Great Wolf Lodge. Cue visuals of the family splashing in a cold & flu season cesspool, thanks to the raging case of germaphobia Mommy developed upon your birth.

DRINK: Blame it on the Rain. Muddle 2 handfuls of fresh raspberries and combine with 1 ½ oz vodka, 1 oz fresh lemon juice, and a teaspoon of Agave syrup. Shake over ice and strain into a martini glass. Top with ginger ale. Pair with a 100-watt full spectrum light bulb.

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