It’s the most anticipated event since the first time you slept through the night: the 2014 Olympic Games! Finally there is something more riveting than the Shopping Network on television when Mommy wakes up at 5 a.m. Familiar moments from Olympics past such as falling asleep between Germany and Slovenia during the Parade of Nations, are interspersed with novel challenges like dodging Olympic spoilers while surfing Facebook at work. Also new this year is Mommy’s fragile emotional state, and it’s not just because she’s surrounded by six packs in high def. The combined impact of P&G’s “Thank You Mom” ad campaign, Chariots of Fire on permanent repeat, and the television networks’ human interest stories behind the Games (which always involve some combination of a deceased war hero, a devastating knee injury and a village fire,) is going to put Mommy in therapy until Rio 2016. Normally she would channel this emotional energy into fueling her own Olympic dream, but it died on Day 1 when she pulled a hamstring peeling herself off the couch to microwave her Michelena frozen dinner. Besides, Mommy already feels like she walked in an Olympian’s shoes during her pregnancy thanks to the dietary restrictions, toting around a shot put ball for nine months, and her medal-worthy performance in the delivery room. Luckily Daddy has pegged the family’s Olympic dreams on you, wholeheartedly convinced that you’ll bust on to the podium by 2026. Mommy secretly wonders if he’s reading too much into the “early signs of promise” he’s witnessed in you from the two Parents & Tots skating classes you’ve attended so far, but she chooses to suspend disbelief so she can fantasize about becoming a Tiger Mom.
DRINK: Gold Medal Cocktail. ½ oz vodka, ½ oz triple sec, 3 oz pureed mango, 2 oz orange juice, splash of lime. Serve chilled, garnished with a lime wedge. Victory’s never tasted so sweet.